When you’re going through marital difficulties, you are at risk from experiencing damage to your self-esteem. This situation is one of those catch-22 situations; the worse your self-esteem gets, the worse your interactions with your partner get. And as your interactions get poorer…

When you consider that low self-esteem is usually the result of negative messages being absorbed by the subconscious, it makes sense that feeding your mind more positive messages can make a powerful difference!

What stops most people is the uncertainty of what to say, and how to state affirmations for optimal effectiveness. Below you will find some simple tips to help you write effective affirmations for improving your self-esteem.

1) Present tense. First, it’s helpful to state affirmations in present tense, not future. You wouldn’t want to say, “I will learn to love myself,” because that makes it sound like you’ll get around to it “someday.” Instead, you could say, “I choose to love myself.” The wording of that affirmation does two things: it empowers you with the addition of the words “choose to,” and it puts the timeframe in the present moment–it is happening now.

2) Believable. At the same time, your affirmations should be believable to you. If you tried to say, “I am a wonderful person with a lot to offer the world,” you may not really believe that, so your subconscious mind might reject it. Instead, try to focus on a process rather than an end result in your affirmations. Say something like, “I am learning to embrace my uniqueness and share it confidently with others.”

3) Use the right tone. When you recite affirmations, you can do so aloud or just mentally, but you should focus heavily on the TONE you use. Rather than saying the words without emotion like you were reading a newspaper, really inject an element of love and tenderness into them. Your subconscious mind picks up on the emotional aspect of what you’re saying more than the actual words. Imagine the difference between saying the words, “I really love myself” with a tone of love and compassion, vs. sarcasm. Which do you think would have a greater impact on your subconscious mind?

4) Repetition. Once you’ve got some affirmations formed to work on your self-esteem, try saying them several times a day. Remember, your subconscious mind is constantly playing back old, negative messages, so you want to counteract those as much as possible. Keep reciting your more positive thoughts on a regular basis – especially when you become aware that you’re thinking negatively about yourself.

5) Give it time. Finally, remember that it will take time to change those old, negative messages in your mind to something more positive. It may take a few weeks before you’ll notice an obvious difference in how you feel, and you may be tempted to think it isn’t working. Keep with it, and you will begin to see a difference eventually! Most likely it will be a gradual change. Little by little you’ll start feeling more positive, and you’ll notice that you’re feeling a bit happier and lighter. That’s your signal that affirmations are working!

When working through marital difficulties, it is helpful to remain as positive as possible, and applying the principles mentioned in this article will help you to feel better about yourself and to interact with your partner in a more productive way.

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