How To Save Marriage From Divorce
There's a lot of threats toward families
and marriages. Divorces one of those. How do you save a marriage from divorce?
Let's talk about it. One of the popular definitions of insanity is doing the
same thing and expecting a different outcome – right. We can't keep doing the
same thing and expect that things are going to change. In a marriage, if you see
some of the same patterns repeating over time, which you probably will. It probably
suggests that it's time for you to change your view or change your do. It's
up to you. I came up with that all by myself –
fancy. Change your view or change your do. It's up to you. The thing that needs to
change typically starts with the way you're viewing it or what it is that
you're doing in that relationship.
Vicki, do you remember years ago, I went to a
seminar by Dr. John Gottman to learn more about relationships and how they
work. He quoted some research. Actually he did the research – yeah, he had a whole
study. Huge study where he found that roughly 70%, just wrap your head around
that for a minute. 70 % of all the problems or
conflicts in a marriage are unresolvable. Unresolvable. I never get thinking that's really
depressing to me. I share that with some of my clients and they're like, "Oh, what's
the use?" Aha – right? And others are just relieved.
They're like, "Oh, we're not so weird after all." There's a lot of reasons for that
that we won't get into on this particular video.
Well, let me give an example
because I didn't understand that. It just it blew my mind but it's like
things such as you are a morning person I am not – yeah.
31 years of marriage that's still true. So that's kind of like a conflict in a
way but it's unresolvable. So tell what the research led to the fact that…
Well the interesting thing that really grabbed my attention from this
particular research is that this is true. The 70% number is true of
miserable. Highly conflicted. Headed for
divorce couples. It's also true of happy, well-adjusted stable satisfied couples.
No difference in the number of unresolvable problems that these two
groups are having. You can't even distinguish between those two groups
based on that metric – right. That one doesn't do it. So that if that goes back
to your little saying about change your do – change your view or change your do,
it's up to you -yeah – now interesting that that number is true of both of these
groups.
So obviously there's something about what the group in the miserable
side of the the equation is doing versus what the successful happy couples are
doing. Do you remember Vicki I came home and I shared this research with you and
you summed it up beautifully. Do you know what I'm referring to there – yeah, it came
from something I'd been listening to it. You said basically you want to do more of
what works and less of what doesn't. You know, when you're dating, you know what's
working with the other person is what's you know the kinds of things that help
them, that that endear you to them and that makes me happy.
And you do lots of
that when you're dating and for some reason sometimes when we get married, we
kind of stop doing what works. We do more what doesn't and that is a road for
misery – exactly. I remember when I interviewed Dino Pinder. He's from the
Bahamas and he has this beautiful Caribbean way about him. It's like, "No
worries mom." Right? And he's in this interview he said you know what, if
people would do more of what it takes to get married, they would stay married. It's
just like what you said. Do more of what works unless what doesn't. Let's get
really clear about what's on either side of that – okay – because if you're going to
save a marriage from a divorce or anything else that could destroy a
relationship, you have to do more of what works unless what doesn't. So let's talk
about what doesn't work – what doesn't work. Dr. Gottman identified 4 things…
It's it's like a 4 part negative cascade – okay – that sends us into that
miserable side of the equation.
He called it the Four Horsemen of the
Apocalypse. If you like that imagery. It starts with criticism. The criticism
doesn't have to be real or intended as long as it's perceived it works. So
consider that. Criticism leads to defensiveness. As soon as you feel, I feel
criticized I put up my defenses. It's a natural reaction. If you feel attacked
you're going to put up your shield. Right – right. The third step – contempt.
Contempt is kind of like defensiveness turned hostile. So you got your shield up
and then you draw your sword – aha – Trying to get some counter-attacks in
there. It usually sounds like, "Well, you know… right? Like we're still in junior
high and then the fourth one – stonewalling. Stonewalling is a word
Gottman used to describe a more permanent form of defensiveness. It's
like building up a stone wall, turning away from each other instead of turning
toward each other. Become an isolated from one another – right – and when this is
present in a relationship, it predicts that we're going to get a little farther
apart that there will be a separation and he brags in his book that he can
predict divorce.
Yeah, the high level of accuracy. Here's the thing that gives us
some hope because and we didn't share this with you to alarm you because
probably this is going on in your relationship. It is in most. But becoming
aware is the first step – yes – so you want to become aware. Anytime
you're feeling any of those emotions or reactions just kind of track
that. Notice it – notice it and see what you can do to change it. And Gottman
pointed out if you're not willing to change it. If this is the habitual way
you deal with your conflicts and you're not willing to change it, it's
statistically going to drive you apart, okay? And that's why it's so predicting. So
what does work? Okay, let's talk about it. Principles, natural laws. There are 9
that I have found particularly powerful. In fact, I would be willing to guarantee
them. In all of my years as a psychologist, I have never seen anything
in a relationship, in a marriage that couldn't be resolved with the proper
application of these 9 principles.
With the caveat that you apply these
principles to your own behavior. Yes – because remember, you know this goes
back to what do you control and what don't you control. You do not control
your partner's behavior or the way they see things. So we got to go to what we do
control that's mine. These million principle, thank you Vicki because these
9 principles are for personal use only. It's the only safe way to use these
particular power tools – okay – so without spending a lot of time on each one.
Here's the 9 principles and if you want a deeper dive into them, there's
other videos that we focus on different principles here.
Number 1 – positivity.
Positivity. Okay. Does that ever come up on our channel here? How you view things
makes a difference. Remember you can change your view, you can change your do,
it's up to you. Positivity. The second one – common values.
Get back to the why of this relationship. Why did you come together in the first
place? You had some good reasons, didn't you? Yeah you want to return to those
whenever you're in question. This establishes a powerful common ground
that will help you to get the hard stuff handled and if you don't have a strong
enough why you're going to have a hard time with the hell. The next one is humility.
You know you have to be willing to admit that you are wrong. That you're that you
got teachable -oh- I know it's so hard. But you know that goes a long ways when I
approach you in humility – absolutely. I like this definition.
Thank you that humility in the sense that we're talking about it here is
giving up your need to be right – mm-hmm – in exchange for being open.
I remember
hearing a saying, "You can either be right or in a relationship." You know when
you're constantly, constantly vying to be the one who's right, your relationships
will suffer every time. Brett Williams appeared on this channel with me. He's
the author of a book called You can be right or you can be married. Which is
another twist on that. Humility. Closely on its heels is the next principle -forgiveness. Forgiveness. Here's a definition that I've come to like about
forgiveness.
Forgiveness is giving up your demand for a better past. Yeah –
wouldn't that be great if we could let the past go?
Sometimes our conflicts are about, "Well you did this or that." – right – you know I'm
bringing up filled history and not letting it go. Not letting other people
change – mm-hmm – because they can. The next principle is respect. Now this goes we've
talked so much about respecting ourselves and others and things but the
respect the way that you interact with other people, you need to do it with a
sense of respect. And I just can't go, can't stress often enough. We as humans
are trained to read and other humans… Other human beings. We're
professional at that. I mean babies can read their mom and dad's faces. They can
read emotions. So no matter if you think you are hiding, your contempt or your
feelings – probably not – probably aren't – it's either in the way you're saying
something or the way you're not saying something.
So you need to approaches the
relationship and the person with respect. The language is only part of it. That
there's also body language, there's there's subtle, micro expressions, there's
an energy that we carry – right – and you're right. You can tell, right? You can tell. If
people are faking it. They're like, "Oh, I really like you." Maybe it's more subtle
than that. But you get what I'm talking about because you pick up on it and
there's an energy about it. The next one is love. Okay, sometimes people
misunderstand this. They think that love means, "Oh I have all of these fond
feelings." Yet sometimes it means that but love is so much more than a feeling.
It's
a choice. It's a… Well you shared this with me recently. It's a declaration – yeah
– of intent – yeah, I like that when you say I love you it's not only telling them how
you feel about it but it is actually a declaration that I will always act in a
way that has your back. I love you.
That's awesome. It's a choice and if
there's only two choices love or hate, you're usually better served by the love
always better served by the love. Yes, compassion. That's the next one – mm-hmm –
you know the root of the word compassion, passion is about suffering and that
surprises some people but if you look at like the passion plays in Europe around
Easter time, it's about the suffering of Christ in that particular context.
Suffering. What are you willing to suffer for? Are you willing to sacrifice and
suffer for this relationship? I think it also has something to do with kindness
and compassion – yeah – and being able to put yourself in an empathic position to
understand and care how someone else feels.
The next principle is work. You
know a lot of things can be solved if you get beside each other and work
together for the common good. You know I've seen a lot of conflicts in
marriage where there is a misconception that you're working for different ends
and once you really come down and piece it out you find out that you
actually have the same goal. If you can get behind the same goal and work
together towards it but work really brings out a sweetness in a relationship
that doesn't happen without it. And default is down. this is true if you park
your car on a hill and take off the brake. It's also true in a marriage. If
you are not working on it, it's probably going to go down, not up.
Elevation requires effort or work that's why it's one of the principles.
And then
finally, wholesome, recreational activities. And may I point out that this
one includes 3 words. All 3 are important. The bulk of my practice
is with a very conservative, religious community and sometimes they delete the
middle word – recreation? – yes. Wholesome activities. I'm like people, lighten up. Have some fun. Yeah you need to be… You need to have fun together and you know
when we go back to what doing more of what got you
along the path of being married.
Usually you had fun together – right – you enjoyed
each other's company. So do some fun things together and there are other
people who delete the first word. I have been to Vegas. There are a lot of
recreational activities you could engage in that are not helpful to your
relationship. So let's use some discernment and judgment. The wholesome
recreational activities. Vicki you pointed out an insight about this word
recreational which contains within it. Something that suggests re- creating –
right – Ca n comment about that? Well I was listening to a specialist.
She was a
psychologist that really dealt with marriage. Saving a marriage after
infidelity – yeah – one of the biggest things she said is most people adult
people will have gone through 3 adult relationships in their lifetime.
And you're thinking, what? I don't want to go through 3 marriages and she said
the trickiest when certain things happen and marriage you know people change,
things change, you recreate the marriage.
You don't give up on the partner but you
sometimes you put aside the marriage the way it was you know go back to that
forgiveness in you and you recreate the marriage and you start a fresh, new
relationship with the same partner. So this is a way you can help save your
marriage from divorce. Go ahead and recreate a new marriage with your
partner. Unfortunately, some of the mindset around this is almost disposable
as it relates to a relationship or a marriage and it might be easier to just
get a divorce. It would be hard, it would require work and compassion to save
that marriage and make it work. I've told some of my clients a similar
thing Vicki I've said you know what you need a new marriage.
Oh keep your spouse
but get a new marriage. Recreate it in a way that's powerful and you can save a
marriage from divorce. We hope you found this helpful and that it can help you to
save your marriage. We have a lot of other resources that you might find
helpful go and look on this channel under the playlists positive relationships. .
Comments
How To Save Marriage From Divorce — No Comments
HTML tags allowed in your comment: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>