Countless relationships go up in flames simply because one person doesn’t feel understood. (And many times it’s both people who feel misunderstood.)

What typically happens is we struggle and fight to get the OTHER person to understand US. The solution to fixing a broken area in a relationship and keep it running smoothly is to do the EXACT OPPOSITE of what we feel like doing.

Which is to first understand the OTHER PERSON.

Even better is to SHOW our understanding.

Here’s how to start:

One way to get the ball rolling is by using a method they teach cops.

They call it a strip phrase and it simply starts like this…

“Let me see if I understand what you’re saying…”

and then paraphrase what you feel is THEIR position.

What invariably happens is the person LISTENS and then opens up, either correcting or agreeing with what you’ve paraphrased back. You keep on this track until you can visibly see that the OTHER person feels understood.

After that…

Many times… amazing things start to happen.

Once the other person feels understood, they will usually try to understand YOUR position. (Oh yes–you reap what you sow.)

Which allows you both to FIND COMMON GROUND where you can work out a solution together.

Here’s a common everyday example:

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Dinner plans that lead to divorce hell?
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Cindy: “Why don’t we go to that cozy, new Italian restaurant tonight?”

Tom: “No, I want some Kentucky Fried Chicken tonight.”

Cindy: “Yuck…We just had fried chicken!”

Tom: “That was last week…I don’t want to go to some fancy pants restaurant.”

Cindy: “FINE! We never go where I want to go… or have ANY romance anymore.”

Tom: “Oh geez…not this again! Are you never happy?”

(This is where the conversation goes to hell in a hand basket.)

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The turn around:
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Cindy: “Why don’t we go to that cozy, new Italian restaurant tonight?”

Tom: “Cozy and new huh? Sounds like you’re in the mood for something new? Or are you after some peace and quiet?”

Cindy: “Actually…I’m just in the mood to have a nice quiet conversation with you.”

Tom: “The conversation sounds really nice. I’ve been really stressed about our finances lately and could use a cozy evening with you…just nervous about how much our dinner would set us back?”

Cindy: “Oh, I’m sorry you’re stressed…maybe we could eat at Italian Villa instead…it’s quiet and we know the prices won’t break us.”

Tom: “You’re amazing…Italian Villa it is! I promise after our tax return comes in I’ll wine you and dine you like you deserve.”

(Wow. What a difference, right?)

Sometimes we need a little help with our communication style. Here’s a resource where you can find more great information.